The Exclusivity Trap

“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.”
― Steve Hall¨

Almost everyone who reads this blog will have heard the words ‘I love you’ said to them, yet when asked what the other person may have meant by those words almost all of you would be hard pressed to give an answer. You may not even know if they love you as a friend or a lover… or maybe even on the same level as they love pizza.

Some of you will have learned to doubt those three words at an early age because the actions that accompanied the words seemed to so utterly contradict them. Yet you know what you mean when you say them. You could mean that your love is unconditional, everlasting, giving and forgiving. It could mean that you have the other person’s back and that you will be there for them in sickness and in health. It could mean that they are your best friend as well as your lover and that you would do anything in your power to make them happy.

To me, ‘I love you’ means all of the above and more. When I say those words I automatically commit. The problem is that I’ve been very slow to catch on to the fact that others mean very little at all by those words and some just use them to manipulate you into a position where they can use you as supply for their narcissism.

What I have noticed about women like myself is that we have a tendency to be very faithful to someone once we become intimate with them. We automatically assume a stance of exclusivity and thus become trapped in relationship after relationship that leads nowhere because the other person never had any intention of committing or giving anything back.

I make no secret of the fact that I want to get married and settle down for life next time I meet someone worthy of my time, energy and love. (And yes, I fully realise that Cupid’s arrows will still strike randomly and with little concern for my wishes.) This is why I was so pleased when it finally dawned on me that I need to give less in love until I have the ultimate and only official symbol there is for life-long commitment, i.e. the ring. I’m way too quick to close down all my options in spite of having advised other women for years in a professional capacity to ‘not put all their eggs in one basket.’

I know I’m a slow learner but it was getting a bit ridiculous and now that I look back at who I used to be I smile and shake my head, cheeks blushing with embarrassment at how much I would give to men who would give so very little back. And indeed why would they ‘buy the cow when they could have the milk for free.’ I did meet the occasional guy who was not a complete douchebag or player but even those I managed to give too much to. I honestly sometimes wonder if I have a ‘SUCKER’ tattoo on my forehead visible to only cats and players.

That said, I have no desire to become a cold-hearted bitch who will marry for security alone. I want a fairy tale romance, complete with an outdoor wedding… and when I say ‘I do,’ looking into his eyes, I want to do so to the man I will love dearly with all I have until the day I die. I don’t do things by halves but until that day I’m going to have to learn to do just that.

This is why I’m not going to date anyone exclusively until I find the one who realises my worth. I have wasted so much time this way… The clock is ticking and there is plenty of fish in the sea. My tuna has to be out there somewhere. Come here fishy, fishy…

Oh, and for those who with a look of great smugness on their faces say ‘Tut, tut – It will happen only when you stop looking and when you least expect it’ I have only two three words: Bah fucking humbug! I know countless of people who got hitched after seeking actively online and elsewhere, and only the odd person who ‘stumbled across’ love.

So what does the Les Vampires Oracle have to say about this? The card on the left represents the results I would gain through dating the next one exclusively and the card on the right represents what’s in store if I spread my net a bit wider… Interesting!

The Death Will Come speaks of making the most of each day… “Every day is a gift. Make it count. It is time to live more fully, and to make a list of what your dreams and plans are. It is time to know that in whatever way you feel trapped, you are killing yourself before life is taken from you. Kill the thing that is killing you.” (from the companion book)

The thing that is killing me is being a sucker for exclusivity when there is no commitment on offer. So yeah…

Even more interesting is what the next card has to say.

Seduction looks at a glance as if I would be involved in games of manipulation if I cast my net wider but that is, of course, only true if I do so through deceit and dishonesty. What the companion book has to say about working with the energy of this card is much more positive: “You are able to resist unhealthy advances from manipulative people at this time. You are no longer available for others to make use of!”

Got to love that last sentence after all I’ve been through… and I know it’s true. I’ve been made fun of for my deep longing to marry, especially since I have two failed previous marriages. I honestly don’t care what anybody says anymore. I don’t ridicule your dreams to go bungee jumping off a bridge or to win a hot dog eating contest so leave my dream alone.

One day my prince will come. Deep down most women feel this way but few have the courage to speak it for fear of being ridiculed. I keep my dream alive by proclaiming it loud and clear: One day my prince will come!

 

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13 thoughts on “The Exclusivity Trap

  1. Love, Empathy and Compassion are the greatest of all human affections, and Friendship the noblest and most refined improvement of Love. It matters not in which order they flow. By Friendship I mean the greatest Love and the greatest usefulness, and the most open communication, and the noblest sufferings, and the heartiest counsel and the greatest union of mind and spirit of which two souls are capable. At its heart lies Intimacy, for when we are intimate with someone we are simultaneously being intimate with ourselves. What emerges from this exquisite seduction is the Elegance, Grace and Splendour of a flowering Radiant red Rose.

    http://dewinnefol.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/the-star-of-venus1.jpg?w=940

    I hope you find the Grail of your Heart.

    DN – 26/03/14

      • Thank you Lisa :) It’s uncanny, but picking up the Tarot Cards after reading your posting, the card I drew was the 10 of Cups. Love revealed in the shimmering winged form of Eros’s gold.

        The image, if you’d like to own it, is a gift. In the spirit of friendship, it is offered for what was given and subsequently found within the magic of your blog.

        DN – 26/03/14

      • And once again, thank you Lisa for opening up a pathway to communion :) There is no finer service two human beings can truly do for each other than to keep the little flame alive in the grate of our heart. So, here’s another freebie for you to kindle the coals in your hearth. It’s taken from an entry on my blog called Self-Determination.

        http://dewinnefol.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/ignis-seperatum.jpg?w=940

        And whilst I am here lingering for a while and now warming in your glow…why not a short poem taken from The Virago Book of Spirituality and written by Joy Harjo. It is titled, ‘Fire’

        A woman can’t survive
        by her own breath alone
        she must know
        the voices of the mountains
        she must recognise
        the foreverness of blue sky
        she must flow
        with the elusive
        bodies
        of night wind women
        who will take her into
        her own self
        look at me
        I am not a spate woman
        I am a continuance
        of blue sky
        I am the throat
        of the Sandia mountains
        a night wind woman
        who burns
        with every breath
        she takes
        like fire

        DN – 26/03/14

      • :) It is my pleasure Lisa. Somehow I feel beguiled by your Seer’s charm… for once again, after picking up your reply to my comment, I threw a little caution to the wind and selected 3 cards from the Mythic Tarot. The Wheel of Fortune – precipitating change in fortune – The Six of Wands – acknowledgement of a creative endeavour – The Queen of Wands – warmth, loyalty, love, constancy, and devotion in creatively sustaining a vision.

        It is indeed uncanny the effect your shadow has upon me! I do not think such cards would have been revealed had I not stayed a while on your site. Yesterday I drew the 10 of Cups after Serendipity brought me to your door. Today, having visited your site once again, and following an early morning encounter with 8 Magpies on my commute to work, 3 more powerful cards are present in my path. The only connection is you, Lisa.

        I have only Butterfly’s to offer in return as gifts. You already house the Butterfly of Love (and loving friendship) and the Butterfly of Fire (passion, spirit) inside you. To compliment both, the Butterfly of the Moon to define your mysterious grace.

        http://dewinnefol.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/unconscious-reflector1.jpg?w=940

        Perhaps you are indeed an amorous influence and Goddess of the Grail after-all and certainly befitting of the meaning of your name…’God’s promise’

        Shine on Lisa, shine on :)

        DN – 27/03/14

        P.S: If you’d like a copy, I’ll email you these 3 Butterflies. They make great posters :)

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